DR. Henry Cloud and DR. John Townsend (2007) It's Not My Fault. Integrity Publishers. Nashville.
This book is dedicated to all those who cope with other people's blame and those who want to deal with their own.
Where should the line be drawn between an individual's own responsbility to take care of themselves and society's responsibility to ensure that others sheild them? pg3
...should society step in and make sure you are okay? No.
How did we get to the place where someone would ever think that they could sue a hamburger chain for their weight problem? Was it the permissive sixties that did away with personal responsibility in our culture? Was it humanism tha said humanity is basically good and it is our poor environment that causes us to make mistakes? Was it permissive parenting that taught an entire generation to think that nothing is its responsibility-nothing bad that happens is my fault? Was it the psychologists who said that to discipline a child might hurt his self-esteem?
External factors do influence our behaviour. Even the Bible affirms that.
When we succeed in blaming someone for our problems, we still are no closer to a solution for them.
...it's not the bad things that happen to that determines our destiny; iyt's how we respond to them.
It is not an act of faith to fail to take responsibility for our lives and then think that God is somehow responsible for the outcome.
Reality is what it is. And much of what ultimately constructs that reality is our choice. Much of it is up to us.
...give up the idea that what you think is always the way things are.
...negative thinkers key into three things in life: themselves, the world and the future. They see themselves as unlucky, even losers who never get a break.
You may think you are being realistic. You may think, Those positive thinkers are out of touch with reality. They live in the clouds and don't understand life the way it really is.
...negative thinking can paralyse your ability to combat the culture of blame and prevent you from taking hold of your life...
...if you struggle with negative thinking, you may encounter thoughts like these:It's too much work; I don't have it in me anymore
Negative thoughts: just because you feel or think it doesn't mean it's always true!
Sometimes depression is the cause of negative thoughts. When people suffer from depression, their minds often point away from the positive and spiral downward into hopelessness. Their depression is like an anchor, pulling all thoughts and emotions down into the dark. The person is not aware that his own mind is creating his dark view; to him it seems like reality.
The mind will create a million excuses and defenses designe to keep us away from anxiety and tension (defensive thinking). Ifyou see this tendency in yourself, you need to reslove it and get past it, for it is another insidious dream-robber.
Denial preservers us from the stress of tackling appropriate problem solving that is needed. Reality thinking will take a more realistic and helpful approach...
If you find yourself excusing, get your "but" out of the way.
Don't be afraid to look at yourself honestly and critically.
When you quit putting up defences against the truth, you enable yourself to take charge of your own world.
To reach your potential, to achieve your goals and dreams, whetherthey be about career, love, family, habits, or spiritual growth, you need your mind to be your ally and friend, not an obstacle.
A mind plague with excuses, negativity, passive discouragment, and similar contamination is like an engine full of sludge. It will not get you anywhere you want to go.
Reality may not be pleasant, but no problem was ever soved, no goal ever reached without looking at the situation squarely with no editing or reframng.
What other things could you do when you feel lonely? You could: Call a friend...Or a million other things not listed here.
Ultimately, no person, or no circumstance has control over you - that control belongs to you only.
Only those who risk going to far can possibly find out how far one can go. T.S. Elliot.
Peter learned maturity from his risks, and he ultimatley succeeded in life.
For you to achieve your dreams and truly have a different life, work,and relationships, you need to see change as your friend, not your enemy.
Change is tough, uncomfortable, and unsettling. But big successes come from a willigness to change.
The potential for a chagned life is enormously greater for those who choose to change what they are doing.
Chnage can be work, and it can also be scary. You might have to admit that you have been going down the wrong path.
This book is about increasing your self control-that is control over your life.
But you can't really have self-control until you give up other control.
We are all control feaks, to an extent. We would like for ourlives, our relationships, and our jobs to operate as we would like them to operate.
When you reach the end of your abilities is when you truly live. We were designed to change, try new things, fail, learn and become better people.Those individuals who have stopped reaching beyond themselves have stopped living.
...if we don't require anything of our minds they begin to deteriorate.
It's the "use it our lose it principle".
When we are disconnected from God and others, we are separated from life and from what is most important.
Learning starts with failure; the first failure is the beginning of education. John Hersey.
When have you failed? Belfast Philharmonic Choir audtition.
What did you do as a resul? Talked to my father and a few others about my failure.
Did you feel bad about yourself? No, because I knew it was unlikely to be successful.
Did you withdraw from the pursuit of whatever it was that you failed at? Yes, because choral singing at that level is beyond me, but I can develop my singing talent to one day be good enough. No, because I'm still singing in my church worship group and learning the guitar and have taken my first booking to sing the Church of Nazarene in Dromore on Sunday September 6th 2009.
Are you now doing th thing that you failed at then? No, but I'm committing myself to developing my voice.
Are you doing it successfully? Yes, I sang in my church carol service and feedback has been mainly positive. It wasn't perfect and that criticism is my own, but I have the rest of my life to develop.
Is there anything you would like to do now that you are not doing because you might fail? Yes, learning music theory, but I'm going to try and teach myself and then give up and go to music lessons.
How to respond to failure is one of the most important lessons you can learn in life.
...without failure we never succeed.
Lesson number one about failure is this:whatever you wish to do, you will fail at it in the beginning. Accept that reality.
The first step is to normalise failure.
John 16v33 In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.
Expect trouble and failure, but also expect that taking courage and joining him to work it out will get you over the hump and to your goal.
What do you feel when you fail? Sad, lonely, failure, give up, discouraged.
Do you feel bad and get deflated? Yes, and feel sorry for myself and with draw from pursuing my goal.
Does all hope go out of you? It used to, but teacher training has helped me get used to trial and error, having a go at opportunities, but I used to loose all hope, but life experience has taught me that I can only do what I can and at least try.
Do you tell yourself that you are a loser? Sometimes, recently I called myself a loser for doing something wrong.
Do you think success is for others and not for you? No, success is for whoever wants it, chases it.
You can deal with failure
Step two: Find out what failing means to you.
Step three: Go ahead and say it: "I failed".
Step four: Learn from it.
Step five: Get forgiveness.
Step six: Look at your responses.
Step seven: Go for it again.
Step eight: Have the funeral.
Step nine: Learn that you can learn.
Only the best fail.
Sure I am of this, that you have only to endure to conquer - Wintson Churchill
Everyday, people do lose weight and keep it off. The way they do it is with a little effort, time and patience.
Everyday, people achieve financial independence. But they do not do it quickly without effort. They let time do its compunding work. At the business level, they do it the same way, slowly, diligently, and with sustainable methods.
Everyday, people have good, lasting relationships. But they have them as a result of working on their communication, forgiveness, acceptance, character, intimacy, vulnerability, sacrifice for each other and the relationship, and delay of gratification when things get hard.
Everyday, people do hard work, increase their education and training, practice diligence, do jobs they do not like and are not theirultimate goal, take risks and stretch themselves, recover after failure, and soon, to build satifying careers.
Everyday, people raise healthy kids who function well and are able to adapt to life. But they do it with consistant self-sacrifice that gives them the time and energy to pour massive amounts of love, structure, discipline, and coaching into their children.
Everyday, poeple do develop the kind of faith that is fulfilling, meaningful, exciting, and sustaining in the worst crises of life. But they do it through the practice of the time-tested, age-old spiritual disciplines and consistency.
...persistant effrt and perseverence. That is the only way.
Do the work first: play later.
In the process of persistence, character is built. Muscle is developed. Maturity is gained.
James 1:2-4
Bird hatching from egg point.
The slower, surer process is against our nature. We want it now, and so focus on getting the goal but not gaining the skills.
Th big value of persistence and perseverence is in who we become as we persist and persevere.
we become the kind of peope that we need to be if we are to make it.
Sometimes obstacles are open doors. God never closes a door without opening another one.
I once asked an audience how their lives would have been if they had gotten everything that they wanted...they realised that they were much better off at having lost a certain relationship or opportunity than if it had worked out. What they thought they wanted was not what they needed. God knew better.
Proverbs 3:5-6
He is always up to something-something good.
Trust him; he is for you. He has a plan. But his plan will never come to fruition if you do not persit and persevere. That is your part, and making it all come together is his.
If you stop trying...then your ultimate failure is your own responsibility.
The obstacle is there not to stop you, but to turn you toward a better way - God's way for your life.
That's why persistence and perseverence are so vitally important.
We have to press on even when we hit obstacles and roadblocks. They might be the sttrengthing of the shell tha we like te birdie, have to break through i order to grow strong enough to succeed. Our they might be the closed doors that God uses to redirect our lives to his perfect plan. Really, now, in spite of all the heartbreak and the agony of rejection, aren't you glad that the relationship you had in high school did not work out?
Roadblocks: If we quit at the first one, we dont' find the lead that comes from the next one.
You never know what might come from the net person you talk to or the next door you knock on.
Matthew 7:8
Persistence must be applied alongside all the other principles...Blind persistence can be just "doing the same thing over and over expecting different results".
The real prize is the growth that you have realised on your journey. It is the person you have become and the people you ve touched along the way. It is the maturity you have achieved and the lessons you have learned.
James 1:4 " Perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
1 You can own your own life
2 You can learn to think differently
3 You an always find a choice
4 You can stretch and risk
5 You can get connected
6 You can learn to say no
7 You can deal with failure
8 You can persist and persevere
The Spiritual design
Dream On
Love
Work
Parenting
Relationships
Bad habits and personal issues
Don't go it alone.

Wow, this book has been very inspirational in encouraging me to just get on with life and cease making excuses. A literary kick up the ass, a real sock puller upper and a fair crack of the whip. A much needed guide on making the most of yourself.