25/10/08 My Life Andrew George EdgarThe reasons why I am starting to keep a journal are because my older brother used to do it. My cousin also encouraged me to write things down after we had a good talk.I suppose it’ll take the load off my mind and help me to analyse my current position in life. Life can be complicated. The most difficult aspect of life I feel is love. All I want in life is to be happy. But how is happiness obtained in a world that is full of trial and sorrow?I’m going to begin from the start of my life. My earliest memories are important to me and I want to record them before they disappear from my memory.Annahilt PlaySchoolMy first memories are of Playschool. Mrs Capper was one of the care assistants in that place situated upstairs. The building was a large detached house almost but contained only the basic amenities.Plenty of toys about to play with can’t remember any of the other children. The only memory I hold is that of sitting in a miniature house picking my nose. Mrs Capper saw what I was doing and quickly rushed to wipe my nose. The next scene saw me in a chair separated from the main group. I think I was being disciplined for my disgusting act earlier. It was break time and on the menu was cold milk that made my brain freeze and dry hard digestive biscuits. The milk was just like drinking pure cold, no taste. The biscuits were like a combination of cardboard and wood shavings. Was a real marathon chomping my way through.Annahilt Primary SchoolFirst day of school, mum left me into the class room and when I turned around she was walking away. My mind didn’t have time to question why she was leaving. I just turned around and started crying. That was my first memory of loneliness and it was nice. Pretty soon I must have settled down, my loneliness replaced by curiosity to find who my teacher was and my fellow class mates.My primary 1 teacher Miss Moppet (I think), was pretty, firm but fair. I liked her, respected her because of her good class management, she good.I can remember Sarah Patterson, she was pretty, fair hair. We sat beside each other and the first memory of her was that we both revealed our private appendages to each other under our table during class. We weren’t caught.Primary one was good, I loved to play in the sand tub and pretend it was a quarry. Growing up in the countryside I seen plenty of tractors and other heavy machinery and from an early age I loved to watch them driving up and down the road especially during silage season.I can remember David Poots in primary one. It was craft time and I was sewing thread through a card marked with crosses. I had to stitch according to the pattern of a wind mill and David was more skilled than I, he was knitting, that’s pretty good for a kid, or maybe that was after school activities. Hmm. I can also remember spending time drawing in the morning of class whilst waiting for the children on the late bus to arrive. I had drawn a New Holland combine harvester cutting barley. I was very pleased with my effort and couldn’t wait to reveal it to some of my farmer peers in class. Jonathon and Mark Jess came into to class and I showed the picture to them, it was nicely coloured in also. I asked them if they liked it and both where unimpressed and simply said it wasn’t any good. I was sad, and I also didn’t believe them, they were probably jealous.Primary two with Miss Patterson, a new class room opposite the assembly hall. I slept in one morning, Nana left up to school. I walked in without knocking. Miss Patterson shouted at the top of her voice, “Where have you been!” Yikes, that was my first time being told off by a school teacher, well, my first memory. I can’t remember what my reply was. I was a shy boy and probably said nothing, so I quickly went into the separate cloak room and sighed, then with haste went back into the classroom and sat down.I can remember Stephen Murray vomiting next to me in class. He was at the other table. I curled up slightly to save myself from the splatter. The resulting produce was shaped like a cow pat and a pale pink colour with what looked like soggy corn flakes mixed in and lumps of raspberry jam.Cookery was a feature in primary two. I can remember making pepper mint creams, used to love eating mints when I was younger, enjoyed the taste and the fresh breath as a result afterwards and trying to contain the burning sensation. I was a real show off when I was younger, I liked the attention I received, it made me feel good, trying to perform stunts to impress my peers and earn the friendship hopefully as a result because I didn’t have the social or linguistic skills to maintain a conversation. Anyway there was about a tablespoon of pepper mint essence left in this small bottle and I said to my peers, “does anyone want to dare me to drink this?” and I think it was Richard Preston who dared me to do so. I gulped the liquid down and seconds later regretted my action as the burning sensation was so intense that I thought I was going to die.Mrs Beattie was my original primary two teacher, then Miss Patterson took over. Mrs Beattie was much older and must have been sick or something. I think she came back when I was in Primary three.Primary three was under the dictatorship of Mrs Crawford. I used to think she really was a witch in her leisure time. She was obese and I don’t mean to be harsh, I can understand her size as I love my food too.I can remember the fear of being in her class, I wouldn’t even ask questions because I couldn’t really structure a question and also thought that Mrs Crawford would shout at me for asking silly questions, so I learnt to get through class room life without asking very many questions and simply nodding to confirm knowledge and understanding. Teachers would explain a task, I was a visual learner, make listening skills were poor. When asked to start the task I would look to my partner beside me to copy what they where doing or ask for guidance on what to do because I couldn’t follow what the teacher was saying.I loved the farm display in primary three. There was a Mercedes tractor that I loved, I wanted to take it home and play with it, but belonged to somebody else.I can remember writing an essay on a sea adventure. Dad is a sailor so I guess that’s were I got my inspiration from to write the story. The essay was a massive three pages long and I really enjoyed letting my imagination run free and to record my thoughts.Break time I loved break time and in primary three I remember running out towards the playground and brushing past Laura Woods. Later I was got into trouble because I had allegedly knocked Laura down and hurt her. Mrs Crawford poked me when she questioned why I had done such a thing, but I had now answer, because I was unaware that I had hurt Laura, just ran on and didn’t look back. Sorry Laura. I think break inside was my punishment.The other Mrs Crawford was better than the latter Mrs Crawford. She was the special educational needs teacher. I would go to her and play Pairs. I loved it because it was a visual activity and I was good at remembering where the pairs where hiding.She was nice natured, spoke softly and I enjoyed getting away from class into another environment.Primary four Miss Stewart I think, she was beautiful. Firm but fair. Her class was in a mobile class room. I used to play Kissy Cats with the girls around the mobiles and I remember jumping off the mobile to impress the girls. Deborah little, Claire Jess and Jennifer.MeI’m not a very confident person, but life tests me in ways that help me to develop into a better person able to cope the complexities of life. My social skills aren’t great but I’m trying to become better. I would like to be more popular with people and have more friends that I can really enjoy spending time with. I want to be really successful and wealthy but I couldn’t be bothered with working my guts out to obtain a higher status.I can sing and I want to use my talents but I struggle with procrastination. I hate conflict, it makes me all shocked and I can’t deal with intense conflicts were people argue, I can loose my temper very easily and can lose control of myself.Friends Friends are good, but can be hard work to maintain, and they are fussy and they come and go. I’ve always been a loner. I don’t have very many friends outside my family circle. I don’t really enjoy being alone. I want to meet the woman of my dreams. Maybe that’s where I’ll meet her, in my dreams. There probably isn’t a soul mate.Optimist or pessimistI’m generally a realistic pessimist. I want to be more optimistic because I think it’ll get me more friends.ChristianityJesus is one of the very special constants in my life and I thank God for his promise of heaven and that he is the only friend I need.FamilyI love my family and I am very grateful for the members in my family.Life I wish that I could start again. I would try harder and choose music as my career choice.LoveLove isn’t simple, it’s complicated and difficult to maintain with another person. I want true love but this world corrupts and alters love away from its true meaning. One woman, one marriage, one happy life together, one love.WorkWork is shit. I want to sing. Teaching is too stressful. Landscape gardening, life guarding, class room assisting is too monotonous and laborious. ChildrenParents who bring their children up correctly with love and morals are fine. Children who are brought up without love, morals, ethics and a sense of direction and leadership from their parents are basically more likely to be lost.27/10/08SundayWoke up at Jonathon Cory’s house. The night before, we went out with his girlfriend and two friends compo and baz from college. We went to a nice bar called the pot house. There was a really beautiful looking waitress there. She had short black hair in a short angled bob hair style, her eyes were dark and made even more seductive by the use of eye liner. When I seen her I wanted to talk to her but was too shy. She was working, and looked like she didn’t have time to converse. I was thinking about giving her number. But would we be on the same wave length, would she accept my number. I feared being rejected, but now I wish I had done at least one the latter because now I’m being tormented by what if. Maybe I’ll go there again and she’ll be working. Another chance maybe, what have I got to lose? Nothing, she’ll either say yes or no, or I have a boyfriend which I wouldn’t be surprised because she is great looking.She walked towards me as I was talking to compo, I looked at her and she gave a quick and uncomfortable looking smile. What message was she trying to portray? Was she even signalling to me? Was it a way of saying, “ Hey, would you just talk to me or give me your number or do something at least”. But I still think of Rebecca, do I love her? I don’t her to be hurt again by hearing that I’ve found someone else. Rebecca is a good woman. I felt that she really loved me. Which is sad that we are now apart. Do I want to get involved in another relationship? Love is so complicated. You think you meet the woman of your dreams then along comes another woman who manages to grasp your heart and make it explode with passion and longing.That waitress was beautiful, maybe she was wanting me to sweep her off her feet. But I’m no superman, I’m a part-time teacher of leisure and tourism and a part-time gardener. She wouldn’t be impressed by that, she deserves to be with someone of higher status. When I get my higher status then I’ll have the confidence to be more forward with women.I wish I had the confidence to be good with women. To be able to hold interesting conversations, and to appeal to a woman through my personality. Maybe I’ll see her again. I wanted to sweep her off her feet, I wanted to be her knight in shinning armour, her superman, her prince charming. Maybe I will. I can try to be.Jony (the cowboy) Cory. Compo and baz. We’re all in the same boat, the same place in life, trying to make it to independence. Become are own men. Have our own place. So that we can start to live life.Jony talks for Ulster. Compo is quiet and like me has grown up in a bubble, protected from the big bad world. Baz is an only child. We all try to fit in, try to make it, but it’s tough, well I’m lazy. I want much but do too little.They’re good guys, there are others, edy, ninja, maxi, they couldn’t make it.We meet up often, usually go to the cinema, occasionally to bars and restaurants. I’m glad I have them as my friends. Without them I don’t know who I’d be with in terms of friends. Probably someone from church.Saturday was good, weather was miserable. But it was a good excuse to be lazy and rest all day. Just as well because I didn’t get to sleep until about 2 or 3am on Sunday morning.Sunday was like Saturday, just spending my time doing what I wanted, it was great, no time pressure or stress.Church was ok. Singing was fine. Sermon was a Scottish fella used to play rugby, was talking about doubt, if you ever doubt just give it all to Christ and he’ll sort things out. He talked about being in a rugby club bar after a match. He talked of the peer pressure to conform to drink beer in order to get drunk and maintain team spirit. He requested for orange juice instead. He didn’t know the results of his actions until 50 years later he went to a rugby club reunion and discovered that after his 10 year career at his club that numerous players had change from drinking beer to orange juice and that some people had become Christians.Had a good chat with some folks after church. Could have went to see Gregory but I’ll maybe leave it Wednesday when I’m off work.Work tomorrow, would rather be off, but I’d probably get too bored sitting around the house and then go out and spend money that I would need to save instead and eat too much food. Working in the gardens is a good work out so it keeps me in shape. Eat too much today so I need to keep active to burn off the calories. I’m very vain. Who isn’t?LonelinessToday is Saturday 29th November and I’d planned to lie in bed all day to rest. I’m up at 8am, as usual I got too excited about seeing the day e.g. is Transworld sport on TV? Hmmm what shall I have for breakfast, shall I stay in bed, Listen to music or go on the internet? So many options, it’s a sign of someone who’s quality of life is at a good level.Feeling lonely, last night I went for a swim, I tried to do complete 2 miles but my foot cramped slightly so I gave up. The lifeguard saw me stumble in the water, I’d lost my balance because I’d been so used to gliding in the water, nice of her to ask. Met a man called Trevor in the pool, he was telling me of his time in the fire brigade, army and his life etc. Was a decent fella, gave me good advice, I like it when people can just start talking to you as if you’d known them for years.Yeah o feeling lonely, nothing to do last night, but I met some old colleagues from my time working at the pool. I felt sorry foe them that they were still working there, but really I’m no better of in terms of pay. Met Greg who everyone seemed to take the hand out of, poor guy. Didn’t have the greatest start in life, has more to complain about than I do. Seen Shelly, she’s moody so I gave her a break this time, would have probably been the same conversation as last time. Angie was on the desk last night, she looks great, Angie has lost so much weight and looks very healthy and revitalised, I should have complimented her, maybe next week. Kirsti is a beautiful woman, nice personality, like me she’s doesn’t know what to do with her life at the moment. I tried to help her, hopefully she’ll find something.Looking back on that last passage, I wasn’t as lonely as I thought. Just because I was preferring a structured social gathering, but looking back on the amount of people I chatted to, it seems that although I was on my own, I wasn’t lonely at all. It was good to meet my colleagues again.Feeling lonely this morning, I text a friend, well he’s more a friend of Tim’s, but I haven’t made an effort with guy. He hasn’t text back anyway so I guess he’s got plans this weekend.Been doing too much swimming, I got the munchies this week and I binged out on food. Feel depressed now because I think that I look fat in the face and arse. I shouldn’t be so vain, but if I wasn’t I’d probably be very big. Just have to control myself and watch what I’m eating, chew slowly and gently with small mouthfuls.Going to practice the guitar today, want to get really good so that I can contribute more to church worship groups and sing too. Throat is tender this morning, think I’ll concentrate on playing, timings etc.Rachel hasn’t replied, I think she’s in New York, Doesn’t look good, maybe she’s busy, maybe she thinks I’m a weirdo, maybe she’s heard gossip, I’m probably not good enough for her, she’s out of my league, got to let her go. I don’t feel like starting a new relationship, I don’t even feel like dating women. I’m not gay haha. Women are hard work and I’m lazy, or my verbal skills are still developing, my structure of conversation is still developing, what do you talk about. Themselves e.g. interests, passions, hobbies, where they come from, their family, holidays, funny experiences etc. Just be yourself Andy, if she likes you then she like the real you. No point in trying to be someone else more charming and handsome because it will exhaust you trying to maintain that effort.The Belfast Philharmonic Choir are having an opening evening soon, I hope it goes well.I love the weekends, time to do whatever. Thanks to Christ for getting me through this week and for all the blessings. All glory and praise go to thee almighty. Amen.


Bazaar Dream

I dreamt that I was a Hollywood actor (Shia Lebuff) who was detained in prison for an arson attack on his own home.
Life in prison was interestingly weird and I experienced many scenarios of premonitions or could tell when something bad was going to happen.
To cut a long story short, a fire eventually broke out in the prison. Unknown to the cause of the fire, I tried to escape to save my own life. I went through a nearby door that lead to a stairwell, were I paused for a few seconds to compose myself. Suddenly the door burst open and a dark figure with a flash light entered and aggressively. The door shut violently and the flash light cut wildly through the darkness, searching with haste in the beam. Then it was turned off and the person started to run down the stairs. I was hiding in the darkness at the end of the first flight of steps and as the dark figure turned the corner to proceed down the next flight, his foot clashed with mine and I could feel the material on his jacket. He stopped and turn towards me. He grabbed me by my hands that were clutched to my chest. We wrestled for control I couldn’t lift him off, it felt like I had no strength within me. I could feel myself loosing the struggle until I prayed, “In the name of Jesus Christ be gone!” Strength was returning to my arms, but he was still upon me, so I prayed again with more haste and assertiveness, “In the name of Jesus Christ be gone!”. My strength returned and I proceeded to thrust forward and push my pursuer away into thin air. I woke up and found myself in bed. I knew I was dreaming, but why did I have to pray to get free from my nightmare? The Flu medication I was taking had worn off and I was thirsty. I had eaten goats cheese and brie Galletes at the Continental Market that evening, you know what they say about eating cheese before bed haha. Regardless, I still felt a presence that was hostile and wanted to do something to me, what it was I don’t want to know.

School

I’m enjoying supply teaching, it’s easy, I just turn up and do what’s prepared for the pupils and mark the work. If there’s no work I teach whatever I know or let them have free time to study etc.


Hazel Glenn, introduced to her via Niall Nixon. Brown hair, brown eyes, great skin, warm personality, Christian, a real woman. Wow. She’s a teacher (full time like lol). Used to play rugby with her brothers, good men. I’ve met her at church about 3 times now, the first was introduction, 2nd we sat beside each other and shared soft mints, the 3rd she invited me round to her house with some of her friends for some social. Great friends, new to the church, I hope that they settle in. Hazel nice house, Hazel is lovely, I asked her out to the Opera at the Waterfront to see Handel’s Messiah. Oh man, this is my first ever date and I’m happy. I can truly say that I am happy. Her friendship is what I need. I need to be careful with her and not imply the wrong feelings to her. Got to take time to make sure that she and I are compatible, got to be myself, be myself, not act phoney in order to be popular.

I hope she will enjoy herself, I don’t know if I want a relationship, I don’t know if she wants a relationship. I don’t want to cause her any pain. I just want her friendship, but that’s hard to maintain between friends, I mean be friends without falling in love. Help me Lord to be wise and to be a gentleman towards her, she desires a great man in her life, I feel that I am unworthy to be her man.

Help me lord to treat her right. Thank you for her company Lord, thank you for the 2 shooting stars tonight on Sunday midnight after I came home from Hazel’s house. Please Lord tell me what those shooting stars meant. Was it Hazel and I? Amen.